and another thing...

So after I wrote the enormously self-indulgent post below, I happened across a few of my favorite blogs and got to thinking. Why do I love them? Why do I continuosly go back. Sure, there's the aesthetic appeal, there's humor, there's incredibly good writing...but somehow...there's more. These people, they just seem genuinely happy and so comfortable in their lives. Sure, we all have a public persona and I doubt everyone shares ALL their dirty laundry, but somehow the writers tend to speak with a calm sense of just having it together.

Then I got to thinking (of course about ME, because I'm completely self absorbed), I always want to know how people see me as I go through my daily life. What do people think when I'm around and doing my thing? How do they see things when I'm talking quietly in the corner or walk into a room loudly talking to one of my best friends? I suppose only my nearest and dearest would really tell me, but let's face it...their opinions are, like mine, biased. I figure the only way to figure it out is to just be SURE of it, like the blog writers I mentioned. Just dive in and be.

To be honest, I know as I scroll through old things I've written...it's hard for me to leave remnants of bitter and painful memories out of my written thoughts. It's hard to not think about my little dog and not to write about him every time he pops up in my head. He's just there...gone, but always there. I think about people that were in my life that have somehow been removed. I miss them so much, regardless of the circumstances. So many entries have been written, only to be immediately erased after reading how angry and mean I can be. I suppose it all goes back to my mom's little voice saying not to write a letter when you're angry. She's right. I scan back through and realize how stupid, selfish, and stubborn I sound. This is not the person I want to be, nor is it the person I would want anyone to remember, why add more fuel to the fire?

The point is, that people will come and go. I would love to have some of them back in my life and this is why those entries are erased. This is why I try not to let my anger get the best of me (I know...I know, I use the term rather loosely). Regardless of why or how things are the way they are...whether I'm hearing reasons a year or so later or will just never have an answer...it just IS, and I have to be fine with that. There truly is so much that makes me happy and I will try to share more. Waking up in our ginormous, soft, warm bed...the coolness of our patio...the pretty little girl I drew last night. OH and the smell of a California fall in the air. It really is a beautiful day and I'm so grateful for my peaceful little life, I guess I just sometimes wish that some of the people I used to share it with daily were still around.